How am I here?

Do you ever sit and wonder, "How did I get to where I am today? How am I old enough to have a husband, house, bills, 3 kids, all those adult responsibilities?" I'll admit that I think like that not often, but a few times a year maybe? Sometimes I think those thoughts during hard times, wondering how things can be like this and longing for the naivete and relative simplicity of the teen years. Other times, I think like this while things are good, wondering how I can be so lucky to have all that I do.

I'm not the only one who thinks this, right?  I know sometimes I don't feel I'm old enough to be my age, so maybe that's it.  Sometimes I do feel a little wistful of friends who have all the toys and money, but not the kids or house or responsibility.  Sometimes I feel like I'm 75 and have lived an entire lifetime.  But never do I wish that things were different.  Never do I wish that I didn't have the house, even when I'm scraping together the mortgage payment.  Never do I wish that I didn't have 3 kids, even when they are driving me CRAZY.  Never do I wish a minute apart from my husband, even if he's crabby and tired. 

But sometimes, I do wonder.  Where would I be right now if I hadn't taken my husband back, all those years ago, when we broke up in our late teens?  What would I be doing if I'd decided to go to the huge university I was accepted at instead of the smaller U, closer to home?  How would my life be changed had I made one decision differently than I did?

It's not good to dwell on the "what ifs" of life.  I know that.  But if we're all being honest with ourselves, we've all wondered.  On a bad day, we've maybe thought, "My life would be so different if I hadn't let X happen."  But on a good day, we've maybe thought, "I'm so glad that I did Y, because otherwise I wouldn't have Z."  It's normal and it's human to think like that.  So if you have thought these thoughts--it's okay!  It means that you are human and you realize that almost every decision you make can be life changing.  Sure, deciding to have the chicken sandwich instead of the cheeseburger may not be life changing.  But you never know...maybe that cheeseburger is made with contaminated beef.  Or the chicken is under-cooked and gives you salmonella.  You never know.  Just sayin'. 

So the next time you feel like "How am I here?"  Just think back on all you've been through, smile and be confident in the decisions you've made.  You're doing just fine.  And if something needs to change, know that you have the ability to change it.